man, I'm getting horrible at this whole blogging thing. although to be slightly fair, I lost my camera charger for almost a month and didn't want to do a post without a picture to go with it. and yet, here I am about to do one without a picture.

I just spent last week in San Diego with friends from BYU and new friends who I made along the way while I was there. It was glorious fun and probably the best week I've had thus far this summer (although there are only 3 weeks left of summer and at least 2 of them will include everyone I know back at their prospective campuses I can't say one of those weeks won't be better without having experienced it yet). I had a lot of fun running around San Diego doing things I've never done before and being as spontaneous as I wish I could have been all summer. and crazy as it may seem, now that I'm back home I miss the new friends I made, and have a renewed sense of missing my other BYU friends. it hasn't sunk in yet that I'm going to Italy because I have no clue what I should be expecting by going there, but I know what it feels like to be in Phoenix while other people are in Provo and I'm starting to go crazy because of it. therefore because of that I've come to realize something about myself that explains a lot of the other things I've learned about myself this summer.

I realized earlier this summer that I'm bad at committing to relationships (or at least romantic relationships) and I wondered why since I've never been hurt nor have I ever heard of someone who was incapacitated due to a rough relationship or break up. according to my understanding of why people are resistant to relationships, I had none of the former symptoms that would make me the way I am. but since I made some new friends and have left them for a time I realized what I really am scared of. I really am scared of loosing them, and these are just friends, not even boyfriends who I would hope I would be even more emotionally involved in.

coming to that realization wasn't surprising to me since I had a hard time keeping friends for extended periods of time all throughout elementary, middle and high school. if there was a break where I wouldn't see them for a while, we would grow apart, and I never understood how that happened. Therefore as I go and meet awesome people I want to stay friends with for a long time, I try to do everything in my power to keep in contact with them so we don't have a chance to grow apart. I'm sure I get rather annoying to those I am really trying with, and I don't know if they realize it's because I want to stay friends with them for a long time. so if they start to move away, I either become sad about it, or try even harder and probably seem desperate for any friends. I don't mean to seem that way, but it's such a part of who I am I don't know how I could change that and see the results I want.

I guess what I've just revealed in this post is one of my biggest fears. it's not snakes or creepy crawlies. it's not a fear that is normally listed in a beginning grouping of fears, but it is one that changes the way I live my life. I fear loosing people who I have come to love and I am unsure if they want to stay my friend as much as I want to stay their friend. I don't fear loosing people who I know we will always be friends no matter what happens to either of us, but those friendships are rare to come by and often even rarer to realize. I guess if you are reading this blog, or have read this blog at any time, I don't worry about you. I feel like we have the kind of relationship to last. it's just all those people who will never fully understand what I am doing and probably would benefit from knowing this about me that I worry about.

this was just something on my mind that I wanted to get out to see if it even made any sense. and even if it doesn't make sense to you, it makes more sense to me now. a new post this week to explain what happened the last week of work or at least something I did in San Diego. and to get back in the swing of writing on here :)